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The Only Way Is Essex

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Page by: J Parker

When I keep hearing about The Only Way Is Essex, I cant help thinking: where the f-ck is Essex, and what is the main town in it.

You keep hearing it is the place to party, and there are loads of hot people in the area. But if you are from anywhere north of Birmingham, as I am, you probably do not have a clue where the place is.

This led to me partake in a bit of research on the old Interweb.

What I uncovered is: it is a county just northeast of London, and the epicentre for all the totty seems to be the town of Brentwood, where many of the film shoots for TOWIE take place.

If you plan to visit Brentwood to sample the nightlife yourself, you may consider trying to blend in with a bit of a makeover. Some trendy clothes seem to be the order of the day, a spray tan, the more orange the better, and loads of hair gel. To finnish the look off, have a couple of mates trail you through a hedge backwards. Your look should then be complete.

Another must, will be to learn some of the lingo as well, as you may find yourself looking like a bit of a lemon, wondering what the hell they are talking about. It is not as easy as understanding London rhyming slang, where they give you a bit of a clue, such as boat race = face, or Shetland Isles = piles.

In Essex land, the local dialect is a lot harder to work out, such as reem = cool . vajazzle = to try a new trendy look . do one = go away . noon = ladies most private part . salt potato = good looking woman.

If you are a guy visiting Essex, and get on the wrong side of a club bouncer, be careful not to get your Essex slang mixed up. If you refer to the bouncer as salt potato, instead of reem, you will end up resembling a panda.

So who watches TOWIE, mainly teens to mid 20s, estimated at about one and a half million. The cast members can have about one million stalkers on tweeter.

Their main rival, Geordie Shore, about youngsters from Newcastle land, attracts up to one million viewers.

East Enders on mainstream BBC1, that has been cited as causing numerous cases of depression, can attract about 6 million viewers.

Dingledale also claims to have up to 6 million viewers, but few have ever owned up to it.

It is claimed up to 10 million people watch Coronation Street, although 9.5 million of them may have a bus pass.

J Parker

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